Eat Your Heart Out, Twilight!
by Stinkfly3
Summary: "Wow," Marshall Lee told Fionna. "You're not even scared of me?" Fionna shrugged. "I've seen worse things before."
1. Evicted!

Title: Fatal Attraction

Summary: Marshall Lee the Vampire King kicks Fionna and Cake out of their house, claiming it as his own property, forcing them to either find a new home or face him to get their old one back.

* * *

It was a rainy night in Aaa. In the treehouse, Cake was telling Fionna a scary story.

"...then the vampire cracked their skulls right open!" Cake said.

"No way," Fionna replied.

"That's nothing," Cake continued. "He even vaporized their blood until they were dead as doornails."

"Are you making this up?" Fionna asked.

"It came from a reliable source," Cake insisted. "I even heard that the vampire haunts this very treehouse. Well, night." Then the cat went downstairs.

Fionna sighed as she took off her usual clothes and put on her somewhat revealing dark red nightgown. Then she took off her rabbit-eared hat, letting her unkempt blonde hair hang down to her waist. She tried to get some sleep, but she was still thinking about Cake's vampire story.

Suddenly, Fionna heard voices coming from downstairs. She instantly recognized where they were coming from. _"Why's Cake watching Sym-Bionic Titan this late at night?"_ she thought as she headed for the staircase.

* * *

When Fionna walked in the living room, she noticed Cake WASN'T watching TV.

"Are you okay?" Cake asked.

"Sort of," Fionna admitted. "I heard voices, so I thought you were watching Sym-Bionic Titan."

"Where did you get that idea from?" Cake asked.

As if on cue, the lights went out. Then a young boy appeared on the ceiling. Fionna and Cake backed up towards the couch, but the boy reappeared between them.

"Hey ladies," the boy said. "What's up?"

Fionna gasped. "Who are you?" she asked, wondering why his voice sounded exactly like the male lead from Sym-Bionic Titan.

"I'm Marshall Lee, the Vampire King," he replied. "You scared?"

Fionna slowly shook her head. Cake, however, was terrified. "Please don't suck our blood!" the cat hollered.

Marshall Lee chuckled. "I'm not gonna do that," he said, then he snapped his fingers, causing several lit candles to appear.

"Hold on a minute," Fionna told Marshall Lee. "What kind of vampire doesn't suck blood?"

"I often to that," Marshall Lee explained. "But I'm the kind of vampire who sucks the color red."

"So what brings you here?" Fionna asked.

"I'm taking a break from traveling throughout Aaa," Marshall Lee said. "I fought a school of goldfish beasts, fooled around in the Fire Kingdom, and found walnuts containing tiny creatures."

"You're a cool person, Marshall Lee," Fionna said.

"Yeah," Cake agreed, still a bit nervous. "Thanks for not sucking our blood."

"No problem," Marshall Lee replied. "Now can you both leave?"

"Why would we do that?" Fionna asked.

Marshall Lee then revealed an 'M.L.' carved on a wall. "I carved my initials in this tree years ago," he explained. "But thanks for taking care of the place while I was gone."

* * *

Sure enough, Fionna and Cake ended up outside in the rain.

"Come on Fionna," Cake said. "We should get out of here right now. Vampires are good at killing people."

"But what about our house?" Fionna asked.

"We should find a new one," Cake suggested. "I don't want you to get killed by that creepy vampire boy."

* * *

_So Fionna and Cake,_  
_Set out to find a new home._  
_It's gonna be tough,_  
_For a kid and a cat on their own._

_Here's a little house,_  
_Aw, Fionna's stickin' her foot in._  
_Well, that's a bad idea dudette,_  
_Cause now that bird thinks you're a jerk, Fionna!_

_And now they're chillin' on the side of a hill,_  
_And thinkin' livin' in a cloud would be totally thrillin'_  
_Unless they find something inside,_  
_Like a mean cloud man and his beautiful cloud bride._

_A beehive, oh nooo-ooo-ooo!_  
_Don't put your foot in there, girl!_  
_Y'all tried that before,_  
_And you know it didn't turn out right!_

_Big shell, go inside_  
_Look around, it seems alright._  
_Frog jumps out!_  
_Barfs a tiger!_  
_Throwin' down potions for food and fiiiiiiiiire!_

_You know you should have stayed,_  
_And fought that sexy vampire boy._  
_But Cake was feeling terrified,_  
_She was super scared of his vampire bite._

_Which is understandable_  
_'Cause vampires are really powerful_  
_They're un-rea-son-able,_  
_And burnt out on dealing with mortals._

_Oh, Marshall Lee,_  
_Why are you so mean?_

Marshall Lee: _I'm not mean,_  
_I'm one thousand years old,_  
_And I just lost track of my moral code._

_Oh Marshall Lee,_  
_Can't you see these girls are in pain?_

Marshall Lee: _No I can't,_ (pause)  
_I'm invested in this very cute video game._

_So there go our girls,_  
_Walkin' on the icy ground._  
_Headin' towards their destiny,_  
_I'm sure they'll figure something out._

* * *

"This stinks!" Fionna complained after an encounter with Ice Queen. "Can we just get back to our own home?"

"Fionna, let me tell you what the definition of 'home' is," Cake said as she took out her dulcimer.

Cake: _Home isn't a place; let me give you a clue_  
_Home is anywhere where people care about you_

"I don't want to hear a lecture, Cake," Fionna interrupted. "I just want to go home."

Cake: _But home is where your heart is, Fionna_  
_And where's your heart Fionna?_  
_Well it's right there inside you_  
_While I'm sitting right here beside you_  
_With your lucky stars to guide you from above._

Fionna: *giggles* I guess I'd rather be out here  
Wrapped in your ear.  
Than be in some awesome house  
All by my...souse.

"I'd rather be dancing with some hunks," Cake said.

* * *

Soon, Fionna and Cake came across an old cave.

"This place actually looks nice," Fionna said. "Do you want to life here?"

"Sounds good to me," Cake replied.

* * *

After a few minutes, Fionna and Cake finished building a house.

"I can't believe things worked out well," Cake said.

Fionna nodded in agreement. "Usually around this part of the story, something bad happens."

As if on cue, Marshall Lee arrived. "What are you doing here?" Fionna asked.

"This cave happens to be my vacation home," Marshall Lee explained as he revealed his initials carved on a rock.

"Maybe we should get out of here..." Cake said, her tail twitching crazily.

However, Fionna wasn't thinking the same thing. "Cake and I didn't know this was also your home," the 13-year-old girl told Marshall Lee. "And I don't want to fight you so I can get the treehouse back. You can actually keep it. I'll be find with Cake out in the open."

"Wow," Marshall Lee told Fionna. "You're not even scared of me?"

Fionna shrugged. "I've seen worse things before."

"You know what," Marshall Lee said. "You and your feline friend can keep the treehouse. Think of it as a gift from me. And who knows? Maybe I'll see you again."

"Thanks," Fionna said as she blushed.

* * *

Back in the treehouse, Fionna was back in her usual outfit, including her rabbit-eared hat. "That Vampire King seems nice," she said.

"I hope I don't see him again," Cake said. "He still gives me the creeps. Weren't you scared one bit?"

"No," Fionna admitted. "Why would I be scared of a new friend?"


	2. Henchman

Title: Lady Assistant

Summary: Fionna takes the place of Marshall Lee's assistant, and she finds out how hard it is to obey his strange ways.

* * *

Fionna and Cake were hanging out in a graveyard one night. However, it wasn't long before they heard voices. Wondering what was going on, the two friends discovered what was going on.

"What part of 'assistant for life' don't you get?" Marshall Lee asked an elderly man.

Fionna gasped. "It's Marshall Lee the Vampire King," she happily told Cake, who flinched as her tail twitched crazily. "You're STILL afraid of vampires?" the 13-year-old girl asked.

"That boy still gives me the creeps," Cake explained.

However, that didn't stop Fionna from interferring. "Hey Fionna," Marshall Lee said. "I haven't seen you in a while."

"Why are you treating this elderly man like dirt?" Fionna asked.

"He's my assistant for life," Marshall Lee explained. "I can make him do anything I want...unless, of course, he's replaced."

"Then I'll take his spot," Fionna insisted.

"Fine," Marshall Lee said. "Old assistant, you're free." However, the elderly man instantly turned into dust.

"Are you crazy?" Cake asked Fionna as she approached her.

"I didn't want to see him suffer," Fionna explained. "Although I wasn't expecting him to turn into dust."

Cake angrily hissed at Marshall Lee. "Boy, I have a few words I would like to tell you."

"Back off, pussycat," Marshall Lee threatened, causing the cat to shriek and run off.

"So what do you want me to do?" Fionna asked.

"First, I want you to wear this," Marshall Lee answered as he gave Fionna a sack. "It's your uniform."

* * *

After a few minutes, Fionna was wearing her assistant uniform: a very revealing dark red dress that exposed every curve in her body and ruby-studded high heels. However, she still wore her rabbit-eared hat.

"Why are you still wearing your hat?" Marshall Lee asked. "It's not part of your uniform."

"I-I-I have to wear it," Fionna stuttered. "I...uh...donated most of my hair to a good witch."

However, since Marshall Lee knew she was lying, Fionna sighed in defeat as she took off her hat.

"That's more like it," Marshall Lee said. Then he lifted her by the waist and flew off.

* * *

Soon, the two friends arrived at a small house. "I want you to help me feast," Marshall Lee instructed. "Open the door."

Fionna did so, wondering what was going on. Eberhardt was playing a piano.

"Make sure he doesn't leave," Marshall Lee told Fionna as they walked inside.

"I'm so sorry," Fionna told Eberhardt as she restrained him. However, Marshall Lee sucked the red out of his bowtie.

"Don't you remember that I only drink the color red?" Marshall Lee asked Fionna.

"Oh...right," Fionna said.

* * *

The next stop was at a graveyard. There, Marshall Lee casted a spell that brought the dead back to life.

"Are you ready to lead an army of undead soldiers?" Marshall Lee asked with a wink.

"I guess so," Fionna replied with a shrug.

* * *

Soon, Marshall Lee and Fionna arrived at the Duchy of Nuts.

"Excited to hear everyone from an entire castle scream?" Marshall Lee asked.

"I-I guess so..." Fionna replied, wondering what was going on this time as she opened the castle door.

However, no one was screaming. Marshall Lee, who was holding his ax-bass, floated by the Duke of Nuts. "Here's a little song about a mermaid," the Vampire King said.

Marshall Lee: _You look so cute, sittin' on that rock,_  
_I wanna suck out your eyeballs,_  
_And rip out your throat._  
_I wanna suck out your eyeballs_  
_And rip out your throat._

"Okay, what's going on?" Fionna asked, confused.

"I was hired to perform for the Duke's second son's first birthday," Marshall Lee explained.

Fionna looked a bit puzzled, but she was okay with it.

* * *

After the party, Marshall Lee brought Fionna over to a field. "Check this out," Marshall Lee said as he showed Fionna a cute little plant with three segments attached to it.

"What's that?" Fionna asked.

"A dimple plant monster," Marshall Lee explained. "It's vulnerable when it's in this stage, so I want you to use my ax-bass to kill it."

"Sounds easy enough," Fionna said with a shrug. Then she used the ax-bass to remove the bud plant's head.

* * *

The next morning, Fionna and Marshall Lee were hanging out a strawberry field. Marshall Lee was smart enough to bring an umbrella with him.

"So Fionna," Marshall Lee said. "Would you like to...I don't know...strangle some pixies with me?"

"I guess so," Fionna answered.

"Really?" Marshall Lee asked in surprise. "Killing pixies is some hardcore evil."

"I'm not falling for your junk anymore, dude," Fionna said. "You just like saying things that confuses me."

Marshall Lee grinned. "Yeah, I was tricking you the whole time," he told Fionna. "You're not really my assistant, but you can keep the outfit. It looks good on you."

Fionna blushed. "Thanks," she said, then she realized something. "I'm probably going to have a hard time convincing Cake you're a nice person."

"I'll deal with it," Marshall Lee said. "So, ready to strangle some pixies?"

"Ready when you are," Fionna said with a smile.


	3. It Came from the Nightosphere

Title: Family Issues

Summary: The Lady of Evil goes on a soul-sucking rampage after Fionna releases her from the Nightosphere, causing great discomfort towards Marshall Lee.

* * *

On a very peaceful night in Aaa, Fionna was ready to hang out with Marshall Lee. She was wearing, a casual light blue dress, sapphire-studded sandals, and a white headband.

"Are you going to hang out with that creepy vampire boy again?" Cake asked. "I don't want him hurting you."

"Cake, Marshall Lee is a very nice person," Fionna said as she put her retractable crystal sword in a light green handbag. "Besides, I'm just going to help him record a few songs."

"Okay," Cake said as she headed upstairs. "But you better be careful."

* * *

Over at Marshall Lee's house, Fionna was helping the Vampire King record songs.

"Thanks again for doing this," Marshall Lee said.

"No problem," Fionna replied as she took out an audio recorder. "What do you want me to do?"

"I need a slow beat for the song," Marshall Lee said. "Can you beat-box?"

"I'll see what I can do," Fionna said, then she beat-boxed a steady beat as Marshall Lee performed a song with his ax-bass.

Marshall Lee: _Mother, why did you eat my fries?_  
_I bought them,_  
_And they were mine._  
_But you ate them,_  
_Yeah, you ate my fries._  
_And I cried,_  
_But you didn't see me cry._  
_Mother, do you even love me?_  
_Well I wish you'd show it,_  
_'Cause I wouldn't know it._  
_What kind of mother eats her son's fries?_  
_And doesn't look him in the eyes?_  
_Mother there were tears there._  
_If you saw them would you even care?_

At that point, Fionna stopped beat-boxing. "Marshall Lee, if you miss your mom, why can't you talk to her?"

"I can't," Marshall Lee said. "I'm still upset at her for the fries thing. If I wanted to see her, I would have to draw a circle with a smiley face in the center, soak it with bug milk, and say 'evil be with you and with your spirit'."

At that point, Fionna already drew a circle with a smiley face in the center on the wall and soaked it with bug milk, so when Marshall Lee said the phrase, his mother, the Lady of Evil, appeared.

"What the heck did you do?" Marshall Lee asked Fionna.

"I reunited you with your family," Fionna said.

"You must be my son's servant," the Lady of Evil told Fionna.

"I'm not a servant," the 13-year-old girl insisted. "I'm Marshall Lee's best female friend."

"That's all I need to know," the Lady of Evil said, then she attempted to steal Fionna's soul.

"Mom, stop that!" Marshall Lee said. "Just because Fionna's a human, it doesn't mean you should steal her soul."

Then the Lady of Evil noticed Marshall Lee's ax-bass. "Is this the family ax?" she asked as she grabbed it. "You turned it into some kind of music machine?"

"Mom, can you please leave right now?" Marshall Lee asked.

"Well, okay," the Lady of Evil said. "I have souls to suck out anyway."

As the Lady of Evil left with the ax-bass, Marshall Lee faceplamed himself. "Are you happy, Fionna?" he said. "Is this what you wanted to happen?"

"No," Fionna admitted. "Now come on. We have to save Aaa."

* * *

Marshall Lee was flying over a forest with Fionna in his arms. "How do I defeat your mom, anyway?" Fionna asked.

"Well, you can't kill her," Marshall Lee explained. "She's deathless."

* * *

Meanwhile, the Lady of Evil arrived at a meadow, which was inhabited by Fuzzy Friends. "Who are you?" one of the Fuzzy Friends asked.

"Not the woman who's going to suck out your soul," the Lady of Evil answered.

"Good," the Fuzzy Friend said. "Because that's like my number one fear."

"Then that makes things easier for me," the Lady of Evil said. Then she sucked out the rest of the Fuzzy Friends' souls, with the exception of the one she just talked to.

* * *

After a while, Marshall Lee and Fionna arrived at the exact same meadow. The Fuzzy Friends looked drained...except for one.

"My mom's been here," Marshall Lee realized. "Come on."

"Wait, aren't we going to help these Fuzzy Friends?" Fionna asked.

"They'll be okay," Marshall Lee insisted. "We'll get their souls back as soon as I send mom back to the Nightosphere."

* * *

Meanwhile, the Marauders were socializing in a local bar. One of them was finishing telling a joke when the Lady of Evil arrived. "I also have a joke of my own," she said. "Who wears a black dress, is completely evil, and is about to suck out your souls?"

"Your twin sister!" one Marauder guessed.

"That's right," the Lady of Evil responded. "I'm your twin sister."

* * *

Elsewhere, Fionna and Marshall Lee arrived at a cavern.

"If my mom wants to go through the mountain, she'll have to get through Red Rock Pass," Marshall Lee said.

"Perfect," Fionna replied. "We'll smash her with this boulder and free all of the souls."

However, when the Lady of Evil arrived, Marshall Lee had a hard time helping Fionna. "What's wrong with you, dude?" Fionna asked as she tried to push the boulder.

"I-I can't do this," Marshall Lee said. "As much as I want to help you, I don't have to guts to squish my own mom."

* * *

(A/N: This part was inspired by the holiday special with Ice King's backstory.)

Over at the Ice Kingdom, the Lady of Evil was dealing with Gertrude the penguin.

"You're the most evil creature I ever saw," the Lady of Evil told the penguin. "I don't have a soul, so why are you asking me to have something I don't even have?"

Gertrude slapped the Lady of Evil in response. As the battle got a bit rough, Ice Queen arrived, her hands glowing with energy.

"STAY AWAY FROM MY-" Ice Queen started, but she stopped when she saw the Lady of Evil. "Abigail?" Ice Queen asked. "Is that you?"

The Lady of Evil looked at Ice Queen. "You look familiar..."

"Don't you remember me?" Ice Queen asked. "It's me, Betty."

The Lady of Evil looked surprised. "Oh my," she said as Gertrude approached Ice Queen. "I didn't recognize you at first. You look so different from the last time I saw you."

"The tiara you gave me changed my appearance," Ice Queen answered. "And as you can see, the penguin egg you also gave me hatched into my sweet Gertrude."

"But what about Simon?" the Lady of Evil asked. "How did you survive knowing he broke your heart?"

"Oh, I use that anger I have towards him to kidnap and torture princes in Aaa," Ice Queen explained. "I haven't seen that jerk ever since the Mushroom War."

"And where's that kitten you have?" the Lady of Evil asked.

Ice Queen groaned. "She left me to live with that tomboy Fionna," she said. "When I get my hands on her, I'll make her regret she stole my precious little Cake. So, how are things going for you? The last time I saw you, you were heading back to the Nightosphere."

"Well, I got out thanks to Fionna," the Lady of Evil said. "Now I'm stealing souls from just about everyone in Aaa. But don't worry, I won't steal souls from best friends."

(A/N: I came up with Ice Queen's backstory when I noticed Betty looked somewhat like Ice Queen in the flashback videos. And how would Betty get the tiara that made her the evil witch she is today? The Lady of Evil, of course, since she knows about the supernatural. Gertrude's egg was just a random idea. And yes, Betty owned Cake because according to Natasha Allegri, Ice Queen raised Cake since she was a kitten. So when Cake left to live with Fionna, I figured Ice Queen would act like an overprotective mother and try to get Cake back. Please PM me if you have any questions.)

* * *

Eventually, the Lady of Evil obtained enough souls for her to become stronger. That's when Fionna and Marshall Lee found her.

"That vampress is going down," Fionna said as she took out her crystal sword.

"Uh...you're like an ant to her," Marshall Lee pointed out.

"Well, this ant's about to kick some butt," Fionna replied.

But when Fionna attempted to attack the Lady of Evil, she responded by exposing her true form. That's when Fionna noticed a familiar face among the stolen souls.

"Lumpy Space Prince?" Fionna asked. "What are you doing in there?"

"'Cause Hot Dog Princess stole her soul," Lumpy Space Prince explained. "So I tricked this evil [censored] into thinking she stole my soul and now I'm tryin' to find Hot Dog Princess' soul, give it back to her, and earn myself a sweet date with her."

(A/N: Not everyone is gender-bent in my fanfic world.)

Eventually, Fionna failed to defeat the Lady of Evil. Even though Marshall Lee got his ax-bass back, the Lady of Evil was still sucking souls. That's when Fionna got an idea. She took out her audio recorder and pressed Play.

_Mother, why did you eat my fries?_  
_I bought them,_  
_And they were mine._  
_But you ate them,_  
_Yeah, you ate my fries._  
_And I cried,_  
_But you didn't see me cry._  
_Mother, do you even love me?_  
_Well I wish you'd show it,_  
_'Cause I wouldn't know it._  
_What kind of mother eats her son's fries?_  
_And doesn't look him in the eyes?_  
_Mother there were tears there._  
_If you saw them would you even care?_

The Lady of Evil stopped sucking souls. "Oh my," she said. "Marshall Lee...I'm so sorry. I didn't know that's how to feel. I'll always love you, dearest. And I didn't even know those fries were yours."

"Well...thanks," Marshall Lee said. "I guess."

"How about if I give everyone back their souls?" the Lady of Evil asked. "And this won't happen again. Deal?"

Marshall Lee smiled. "Deal."

* * *

With the Lady of Evil back to the Nightosphere and the souls restored, Marshall Lee and Fionna were stargazing.

"Thanks Fionna," Marshall Lee said. "You're a great friend."

"No problem," Fionna replied. "Anything for a pal."


End file.
